until then
by theblingmonster
Summary: and they walk backwards into the shadows of their past.


until then;

the fourth shinobi war left everlasting scars in the will of fire. the idle, halcyon days of konoha continued, sunshine filled restless streets and sunsets brought about night-lights and fireflies. the peace in konoha had been paved with the blood of fallen comrades, friends, families, and lovers. tranquility was no cure for the nightmares that haunted the veterans who'd cut their nails and gritted their teeth through the grueling months of war. their blood and sweat fertilized the soil that supported the carefree footsteps of the new generation.

other shinobi were able to assimilate well. their footsteps fell in tune with those of the locals, their stories were light and censored in conversation, and their smiles and laughter blended seamlessly into the threshold of new beginnings. other shinobi had successfully crossed the white line into their new lives, leaving behind the memories of the fallen, leaving behind their shades of black and gray for brazenly stitched patches of white. she, however, wasn't like the other shinobi.

her feet were rooted at the brink of her future tomorrows, at the sunset of her dreams, and every centimeter forward felt like a lifetime of goodbyes and heartache. crossing that line meant abandoning the memories of the fallen, abandoning the shinobi life she'd worked so hard to be a part of. it had engrained itself in her, it was a part of her now; all the limbs she'd severed, all the blood she'd mopped, all the pieces she was able to put back together, and those that fell apart.

her heart ached, her mind was fuzzy, and her eyes were misty with tears stuck between lashes of pink. one heavy sigh and she was out of bed, two more and she was standing beneath a hot stream of water that woke her from her thoughts and prepared her for her day. even if she was standing still, the illusion that she was running forward with an open heart had to be maintained.

she thought of naruto as she walked through the lively streets of konoha. her feet dragged slightly, making lazy stripes in the dirt, but her vision of him was bold and alive. regarded as the hero of the war, the one who'd burdened all the poisons of their cruel shinobi world, consumed them, and made butterflies out of every drop, he mutst've been the furthest from the white line. but his smile was brighter than it had ever been, and his hands were steady, and his stride confident and spirited. he breathed new life into their shattered world, and every step he took forward everyone followed in his brilliance. it was blinding for her, she couldn't keep up, and whenever he glanced back over his shoulder, she'd pretend that her footsteps were in line with his light.

she'd feel guilty sometimes. naruto had endured worlds more than she had, and yet she was the one dragging her feet every morning to the medical ward. she spent the entirety of her days looking after injured civilians and sometimes her hand trembled when administering medication, other times even the smell of blood would churn something unpleasant in her stomach, and sometimes when it was late and silence welcomed the dim halls of the ward, she'd cry for those already months lost.

it was a never-ending cycle that she walked alone. the tail end of the cycle was the most draining; she'd once again drag her feet back down the road, following the pools of light on the ground from the street-lamps like a map, or better yet, like a night light illuminating a peace in the darkness. four more and she'd be at the corner, six more and she'd be at ino's flower shop, ten more and—

she was abruptly flung out of her thoughts when her downcast head bumped into something hard, but warm. a tiny gasp and clumsy step back later she was lifting her head to apologize to whomever she'd inconvenienced.

"i'm so— oh, sasuke."

sakura felt a breeze of relief massage away the worry-lines marking her forehead upon realizing it was her teammate that she'd bumped into.

"you should watch where you're going."

sakura's lips picked up into a weary but understanding smile. she sifted a couple fingers back through the strands of pink filtering into her sight of him and laughed out of embarrassment at the situation. her laugh was just as tired as her smile but her embarrassment was genuine, it was an emotion that was practically her twin when dealing with this particular teammate of hers.

"sorry about that. what are you doing out so late anyways?" sakura's question ended with her eyes flickering up to the sky. thick clouds covered the stars and only through the cracks between them did moonlight manage to peek through. it was certainly late, and she knew sasuke was the type to enjoy the silence of dusk, especially these days when just the mention of the uchiha made people want to shut their windows and lock their doors. it was a filler question, a complete dud at a real conversation, but sakura felt that it was customary.

"i'm taking a walk. do you usually leave the ward so late?"

she shifted most of her weight onto her left foot, leaning into her hip as her hand brushed by the nape of her neck and her eyes distanced themselves from him to the ground. her teeth caught the right corner of her lip and she fiddled with the rosy skin as she pondered her answer. seconds turned to moments and moments turned to memories as she mulled over her response. her body suddenly felt heavy, exhausted, and goosebumps rose on her skin as the feeling of his gaze resting upon her easily unraveled her neatly tied secrets. it felt like the mask she'd been wearing for months, the one that tried so pathetically hard to emulate the happiness of those whose feet moved forward, the one that she'd so shamelessly pitched to naruto as her reality, was crumbling helplessly. she didn't want to be vulnerable, but she always so predictably and frustratingly fell victim to his presence.

a simple question and yet it had moved her. she didn't notice when her shoulders slumped or when the silky tresses of her hair fell into her face, strands haphazardly sticking to the wet spots on her cheeks.

"….sakura? you're—"

"ah, what's wrong with me these days?" she lifted her head, misty tears marking her face with long stripes that glistened under the warm light of the street lamp. her smile was forced, her teeth were gritted and she was sinking into the nightmares of her past with every second that her eyes remained in contact with his. there was something about that deep eye of his, something that reached into her and like a magnet, attracted everything she'd been trying so desperately hide. it made her sick, disgusted that she was so easily exposed by a simple glance of an eye.

she could feel the stickiness of the blood of strangers connecting her fingers together, making spider-legs of red when pulled apart. she could hear the distant sounds of final breaths, and the staccato of labored ones fizzling out. she could feel the tightness of her muscles, the pounding against her skull as her chakra depleted with everyone she rescued. there was so much blood on her hands; it caked beneath her nails and stained her fingerprints, and she was certain that even the people she'd managed to save could see it too. she envisioned the battlefield; she could smell soot and decay, she could see impressions of battle worn soles and splintering branches promised to the earth with blood, hollow cracks twisting and contorting between debris from broken homes and broken bodies, mapping the earth like veins. she could hear the righteous battle cries of her companions, and the eerie silence when those cries dissipated into the wind and their bodies laid mangled in the dirt. it was all so colorful and so true and every moment she re-stained her consciousness with the memories of old, that white line got further and further away.

sakura rose a hand to her face and brought a knuckle beneath her eye to wipe away her tears. it felt like hours had passed but in reality, only seconds had. he'd remained quiet, watching her with the one eye she'd so helplessly succumbed to. she took a step back and her skin brushed against the cold metal of the street lamp. she glanced up, noticing a triplet of fireflies dancing in the bright of the bulb.

"you feel it too, don't you?"

her eyes widened a bit at his words. six simple words but they somehow soothed the wound that her memories had recently reopened. he'd always been able to pull something raw from her ever since they were kids. in the past, it was because all her adolescent fantasies and desires were so easily provoked with just a glance in her direction. now, however, there was something about the abyss in his eye, something about that deep, dark shade of nothingness that sent a shiver down her spine, made beads of sweat gather on the back of her neck, and made her fall in deeper. because yes, of course, he was just as pained as she was, if not more.

sasuke knew pain.

no.

he lived it.

every second of every waking moment, he walked within the shadows of his nightmares. the fabric of his reality had been torn apart at the seams in a single, quiet night. he'd walked among slaughtered memories that day, his dreams of forever stained red, laying strewn apart in the dirt and within those pools of glistening blood he'd seen himself; soft skin, healthy cheeks, his breathing making clouds in the crisp, midnight air. he'd seen himself so clearly that night, his reflection bright and full in the crimson sea of everything he'd ever loved. no one could understand his suffering and he'd suffocated in an abyss of loneliness; his lips taut, hands empty, eyes gazing at his peers playing in the threshold of his dreams, past a white line that he'd yet to approach. and even now as the dull light of the streetlamp circled her, its curve neatly avoided him, and there within shades of black and white they stood, so close yet infinities apart.

"y-yeah.." sakura's lips dipped into a frown and her eyebrows pulled at the middle, as if she was struggling with something difficult. her pains, her anxieties, and her doubts muddled together in her stomach as if it was reacting to him. it was as if the wavelengths of their despair were talking, no, screaming, and everything she was trying to hide was abruptly, violently boiling to the surface. she wanted to cradle her stomach, wince in agony, anything to help soothe herself but she remained still and so did he.

silence.

her vision became blurred with the sea of her tears, pooling in her eyes almost as quickly as they spilled out over her cheeks. she thought of everything the war had taken from her; her innocence, her spirit, her light, and at that very moment it was as if the clouds had parted through her haze of pain and confusion and something clicked. it was subtle, but it was there, a connection she hadn't noticed before.

it was silent because no words were needed between them, because standing there beneath the flickering light above her head, her green melting into his black, her scars resonating with his, spoke volumes. then suddenly, as if their darkness was too much for the little bulb to handle, the streetlight flickered off and they were left alone with their demons.

"i'm leaving konoha tomorrow."

their demons danced with each other, hand in hand, twirling and tumbling through the shadows between them. she stepped towards him, her eyes wide and tears flowing freely, caressing the curve of her cheek and puddling into the corner of her mouth. she understood now, she understood why his eye had evoked such a reaction from her.

"at noon i'll be gone."

their demons were parading around obnoxiously now, jumping, twirling, dipping and diving between them. she took another step, and then a third, her lips parting just slightly enough for her tongue to peek through and taste the salt on her lower lip. yes, it was all so clear to her now. her stomach stopped churning, her tears stopped flowing, and her wounds were bared raw and naked.

"i don't know when i'll be back."

the demons made way for her, fading into the background tangled in each other's arms, watching, waiting.

another step and she stood within his own, personal night. it was thick and unbearable, it suffocated her, made her old bruises ache like new and her wounds bleed, but she understood now. her hand rose, fingers trembling and curling inwards slightly before flattening when she pressed her palm against his chest. her head tilted back, tufts of pink hair rolling over her ears, sticking to the cold sweat on her neck as her eyes peered into his. her lips hesitated, her breath hitched, and her lashes fanned over her eyes for a moment. she finally understood that their pain connected them, it connected them on a level she didn't know existed. it was true, and it was theirs.

"sakura."

she felt his heart move, like a rock sinking to the bottom of a lake, slow and heavy. she knew he felt it too, that was why when he said her name it was almost strained, fraying at the end into nothing more than a whisper. he was hurt, he'd been hurting, and maybe sakura's pain could be the company that would medicate his loneliness. perhaps this was the only way for them to connect, through mutual agony, and even if it was bitter at the core, it was a space that only they knew. it was special.

her fingers curled into the stitches of his shirt when she heard her name. his head lowered slightly, the movement briefly exposing the bright purple of his other eye before it was curtained by his hair again. he looked at her, his stare straight and solid while his hand rose to his chest and grasped hers only to lower back to her side. her hand gave in easily, fingers uncurling the moment his hand touched hers, and it rested limply at her side.

"don't be late."

sakura felt her pulse quicken a beat and before she could speak, he'd already turned on his heel and disappeared into the darkness of the night. he didn't say goodnight or even goodbye, but that was how they communicated best. silence.

it was just then that the streetlight behind her flickered back on, the fireflies resuming their tapping against the bulb. she looked back over her shoulder and no— they were moths now, crowding around the light hungrily, as if feasting on the only thing that would keep them alive.

it was an invitation that he'd extended to her and she'd agreed without words. she was running away, running away from that white line that marked new beginnings, she was running backwards, backwards towards the pain she'd been trying so hard to forget, away from the exact thing she'd scarred her body trying to achieve, backwards into the shadows of her nightmares.

their grief would dance together again at noon tomorrow, and it would continue to dance through the rivers they'd cross, over mountains they'd climb, and through fields of weeds they'd walk. they would even dance between the shadows of pain and doubt, the very place in which they were born. their screams would be loud, horse, penetrating, but eventually feather out into melodies so soft that even a breeze would drown it out. and it would be then and only then that they'd be able to cross that white line together.

but until then.


End file.
